Летс го Пенс :crzfan: :crzfan: :crzfan: Только бы оставшихся не переломали, блин, пусть все будут целы :beg:

Время для бессмысленных перепостов с тумбы
Hockey, As I Understand It
I have been interested in hockey for dozens of days, now, so I like to think of myself as something of an expert on the subject. As a gesture of goodwill, I would like to share with all of you what I have learned, through a rigorously academic system of “Tumblr,” “not watching any games for longer than 15 minutes,” and “guesswork.” You’re welcome / I’m sorry.


Toronto Maple Leafs
People love them. They’re also all, on average, 4 years old. Everyone on the Leafs is a toddler whose name starts with M. Odds are good if they’re a leaf, their name is like…. Matt, or Mop, or Mirtch or something. One guy who isn’t a Mork has a cute cat. Everyone was surprised and delighted by them getting into the playoffs given their status as a team of (especially gifted) preschoolers.

Washington Capitals
A large, loving family headed by a strong married couple (Backy and Ovi). Backy might be a serial killer and we love him despite/because of it. Ovi is ten extremely strong and enthusiastic dogs in an incredibly ugly pair of distressed jean. They have 20 children who don’t know their left from right and need lots of love and attention. For some reason I thought the Caps were like, Unable To Lose, which is untrue, and I am forced to presume that impression was one that Backy implanted into my brain though sheer force of telepathic will.

Dallas Stars
Somewhere, Jamie Benn is punishing himself for not making the playoffs by growing new, even more upsetting facial hair and doing a lot of fraught “you’re not good enough” push-ups. His common law husband Segs is also there, probably without a shirt on. The ghost of Jordie Benn haunts them all. No other players, to my recollection.

San Jose Sharks
I thought I hated them based on a vague memory of them beating the Red Wings in some game many years ago, but it turns out they all collectively adopted a random black cat and live together as many cat dads or something, so the shun has been lifted. As far as I can tell they are the only team in the Western Conference besides the Stars.

Anaheim Ducks
Fake; you’re thinking of the film The Mighty Ducks.

Pittsburgh Penguins
Are they the team it’s supposed to feel a little tacky to love, but you do anyway? I get that impression. Sorry. Everyone is a mouthy French Canadian or a misunderstood Russian. Actually, you know what, I don’t think that’s particularly specific to the Pens. Sidney Crosby is a robot designed to divide mankind along party lines and either save or ruin hockey. Geno escaped Russia by stowing away in an small steamer trunk during an arduous transcontinental plane-trains-automobiles style journey to play hockey with / marry him.

Boston Bruins
We don’t like them? I think we don’t like them. I’m not sure.

Chicago Blackhawks

Detroit Red Wings
The only hockey team I have ever seen in person with my own two eyes and can therefore vouch for actually existing in this planetary realm. Just can’t stop throwing octopuses on the ice.

Montreal Canadiens
Habs is short for “Les Habitants,” apparently. That’s all I got, and I had to look it up at least three times before it stuck. Oh, Carey Price is there, maybe?


90% of the time they are an elaborate ruse to get to hug new friends that you don’t get to see and hug as regularly as your own team. The other 10% is because someone looked at your goalie the wrong way.

Takes place in something called the “sin bin” and if you tell me that’s not because they’re all giving and receiving secret, chilly HJs while they’re in there I will face God and walk backwards into hell.

You clinch a spot in the playoffs by winning a certain amount of games, scoring a certain amount of points, or by answering three riddles, each increasingly arcane and difficult. At least two of the games you’ve won must be played during an eclipse, with a final score that is divisible by 3, and it doesn’t count if more than one but less than ten birds fly over the arena during regular play.

Gary Bettman
Basically the Devil except dumber. Like the Devil’s shitty cousin Steve, who everyone is tired of hearing mouth off at barbecues. Shut up, Steve. Looks like an old, nefarious gnome statuette who was cursed with human life.

The NHL vs The Olympics
Will lead to Ovi attempting to clone himself so he can play in every game for every nation just out of spite, and frankly he might achieve it.

Прямо задумалась над своими ландшафтами :laugh: У меня как-то так, наверно:

Любимые: Питтсбург, конечно. Вряд ли это когда-то изменится. Но из остальных люблю Монреаль и Сент-Луис, даже не скажу, за что, просто вот любы. Вашингтон симпатичная команда, но с ними сложно. Но я б им пожелала всего наилучшего, пока они не играют с Пенс. Тампа милая.

Нейтрально: Детройт, Шаркс, Нэшвилл, Айлендерс. Хорошие команды, и я про них помню, но не интересуюсь. Даллас, наверно, тоже сюда, пыталась им проникнуться, но как-то пока не очень. Сегин, конечно, Сегин, но на всю команду его не хватает. И Эдмонтон с Баффало тоже здесь.

Нелюбимые: ФАК ЗЕ ФЛАЕРС :eyebrow: Кхм, прастити. Энд фак Рейнджерс ту. Коламбус, даже несмотря на Боба. Брюинс скорее недолюбливаю, хотя Хара няшка. Торонто по старой памяти за Фила. Чикаго - как-то никогда их не любила, даже до всех скандалов. Лос-Анджелес - думала про строчку выше, но почему-то скорее раздражают, хотя Копитар.

Отсутствуют на моей карте мира: Оттава, Ванкувер, Виннипег, Флорида (погодите, Ягр все еще там?), Колорадо, Калгари, Анахайм и, в общем, все остальные. Каждый раз с некоторым удивлением вспоминаю, что они существуют :alles: Как так происходит, хз.

@темы: хаки